There are certain inevitabilities that you learn to deal with as mothers. They’re part of the package, par for the course. Changing dirty diapers and looking after kids with endless stomach viruses are part of the job description. At some point those events become no more out of the ordinary than cooking dinner or a trip to the park; life is life. Hashem makes kids cute for a reason, because honestly, they are so messy.Dealing with a drunk-sick husband somehow doesn’t have the same magnanimous charm as dealing with sick kids though. So here are ways to make sure you don’t ever have to!
The best way to go about this is to first recognize that Purim is a full day event. Starting in the morning, with megilla reading and for some a morning seudah, and ending with a lavish, food- laden, wine- drenched meal, sprinkled with yummy visits to and from family. Which means, it is very, very hard to keep track of how much alcohol has actually been consumed and how our bodies are reacting to it. Since cleaning up the aftermath of overdrinking is a curse onto mothers, I think it is only fair that if a grown man drinks too much to the point where he gets sick, it is his own responsibility to clean it up. If I did not give birth to you, I do not have to clean up after you throw up.
However, because men are well, men, I feel it is only fair to warn them of this protocol before the holiday begins. So, ladies, give your better halves fair warning, and then print out this article for your husbands to read. You’ll have a much more enjoyable holiday without the impending dread of the clean up looming above you!
I’ve created a list of 10, mostly chronological, important tips to carry with you throughout the day so that you can drink (or instruct others how to drink)at each milestone, maintaining a nice Purim buzz, but never getting so drunk that you throw up all over your car, couch or spouse.
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ADVIL and WATER- Alcohol causes dehydration. So, start your day off by properly hydrating your body so that you can be ahead of any water depletion the alcohol causes in your body. Maintaining a good water- to- alcohol ratio is key to keeping the alcohol in your stomach. Advil. Just to be safe.
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FOOD- It is a common myth that eating after you drink can help sober-ize a person. Really though, eating before you drink is the most helpful. Although food will not help with reducing drunkenness, it will slow down the speed at which the alcohol gets absorbed into the bloodstream as it’s also busy absorbing the food.
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THE RIGHT FOOD-We’ve all heard about people who say they have weak stomachs. Well it’s true. Some of us are stronger than others. Eating dairy foods early in the day, or drinking a glass of milk will help neutralize the stomach acids that we want to keep inside the body later that day!
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DRINK ON THE HOUR-It takes our livers around 1 hour to actually process any alcohol we put into our bodies. So, instead of gulping down your whole days’ worth of wine within one hour and feeling ill the rest of the day, try drinking one glass at a time, every hour, on the hour! This will seriously help you to understand where your body is at, drinking- wise, and will prevent you from drinking too much before you even know what’s hit you!
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MORE WATER- Again, alcohol = dehydration. For every cup of wine you pour yourself, drink at least one glass of water to maintain proper hydration.
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NO MIXING ALCOHOL WITH ENERGY DRINKS- I know, it sounds like that would be a really good idea. But it’s not. Alcohol is a depressant and energy drinks are stimulants. When you mix the two, it masks the properties of each and you are left unaware of how you are actually feeling. So, you drink more, because you feel fine and then BOOM. Barf everywhere.
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USE YOUR BRAIN- Yes, this is a hard one for some people. And by people I mean boys. The big ones, who live in our homes and need constant reminders to take out the full garbage bag that has been sitting by the front door for 2 days. It seems crazy but it’s true. Alcohol does not erase your brain from your head. It may be fogged over by a cloud of inebriation, but if you dig deep enough, you will find it. And this, oh- so- powerful piece of machinery, if used right, can tell you when to STOP DRINKING.
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DO NOT BINGE EAT- Alcohol lowers our inhibitions. All of them. Including eating. Therefore, pizza. Or chicken wings. Or pizza then wings. This is a bad idea. At the time, it feels brilliant. You’re drunk, hungry and need something salty. But, it is exactly at this point in time that our bodies need a break. Try some plain crusty bread instead.
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ADVIL. AGAIN.- Because, tomorrow will come. With it, work, kids, life and a massive headache. Take two Advil before you go to sleep and then wake up in the morning and drink the strongest cup of coffee you can find! These steps are not fool proof. Meaning any fool can mess these up. However, we (read: women) are no fools. So, help your husbands, and ourselves, out this Purim to keep as much of this holiday inside our stomachs instead of on the floor.
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BE A MAN
And, if all else fails, just remind your husband what you told him at the beginning of the day: DRINK LIKE A MAN, OR CLEAN IT UP YOURSELF.
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Know yourself, know your stuff, and get a system We just went through the routine with my brother who is of legal US drinking age for a while even though he is in Israel. Coming up with a system takes a while and each individual has to know his tolerance. My brother and my father are hollow legs. My brother has ONE (750ml) bottle of wine for the whole day and starts drinking it at about 2 in the afternoon. As he tells people all the time, there is no mitzvah to drink hard liqueur on Purim, one is supposed to get drunk on wine only. He shares a bit, but never takes from anyone else. My father does sometimes drink a little more, but he is in his own house and NEVER gets Drunk. They will both tell you that one of the keys is to drink plenty of water – my brother does a 3 to 1 ratio and he spaces out the drinking over the course of about 5 hours.
Also- while eating before you drink and staying hydrated throughout the day are great things, many people use getting sick as their barometer of when they drank enough – if they prepare too well, it can be really dangerous as they can be close to alcohol poisoning before they stop.
Great feedback.