One of the great early Chassidic rebbes, the Toldos Yaakov Yosef, described himself as someone who was, by nature, a kapdan — meaning, he was easily angered. In order to address this problem, he consulted with his rabbi, Rav Menachem Mendel of Vitebsk. To his surprise, Rav Menachem Mendel did not respond, and gave him no advice.

Soon afterward, the Toldos Yaakov Yosef was traveling in a wagon together with a group of people, and they were stopped by a pauper who asked if he could join them. The Toldos Yaakov Yosef said that the wagon was full, but there was room in the back, with the baggage. The beggar happily agreed to sit with the baggage, despite the discomfort, and so he climbed in.

During the journey, the rebbe from time to time turned around to check on the pauper and to ask how he was managing. Each time, the pauper replied that he was fine.

On one occasion, the poor man gave a different response, citing the pasuk (Tehillim 144:15), Ashrei ha’am she’kacha lo — “Fortunate is the nation that is like this.” The simple meaning of this phrase is that it introduces the next clause: ashrei ha’am she’Hashem Elokav — “fortunate is the nation that Hashem is its G-d.” Meaning, this pasuk proclaims that we have the good fortune to be Hashem’s people. This poor beggar, however, gave a different interpretation. He explained the pasuk to mean that people who appreciate things the way they are — she’kacha lo — are fortunate. People enjoy happiness in life when they live with this mindset of “kacha lo,” of accepting reality as it is without complaining and without wishing things were different. The rabbi’s fellow passengers thought this was a humorous reading of the verse, but he took this insight very seriously, as conveying a powerful lesson about how to avoid anger and hostility, teaching us to accept difficult situations without letting them disturb us.

The Toldos Yaakov Yosef returned to his rebbe and told him this story and the interpretation to this pasuk shared by this mysterious pauper. His rebbe said that this man was Eliyahu HaNavi, whom Hashem sent to teach him the secret to avoiding anger. As he so sincerely and eagerly wished to overcome his tendency to grow angry, Hashem came to his aid and sent him Eliyahu to teach him this profound lesson.

The way we avoid anger is through the mindset of kacha lo — accepting every situation and recognizing that it is precisely the way it is supposed to be.

On this basis, we can understand more fully the particular importance of avoiding anger on Shabbos. The Abudraham (an early commentator on the siddur) records the custom — which is still observed in some communities — to recite on Shabbos this pasuk, Ashrei ha’am she’kacha lo, ashrei ha’am she’Hashem Elokav, at the time when the Torah is withdrawn from the ark. One of the explanations given for this custom is that Shabbos is the day when we received the Torah, and the Torah gives us this perspective of kacha lo, of accepting every situation in which we find ourselves. Indeed, the work Kav HaYashar (Chapter 86) cites the Zohar as commenting that when the Jewish people come to the synagogue on Shabbos and pray properly, and they then return to their homes, homes that are properly prepared in Shabbos’s honor, the angels sing the praises of Am Yisrael, exclaiming, “Ashrei ha’am she’kacha lo.” This pasuk, and the message it expresses, is especially relevant on Shabbos. Shabbos is the time to reinforce our mindset of kacha lo, that everything is always precisely the way Hashem wants it to be, and we should therefore accept all difficult situations calmly and without anger.

The Chida, Rav Chaim Yosef David Azulai, once wrote during his travels, “Every delay is for the best.” One of the most common causes of anxiety and anger is being delayed. When we are forced to sit in traffic, when we miss a train or flight, or when someone arrives later than they were supposed to, we instinctively feel tense and resentful. But in such situations we must remember the message of ashrei ha’am she’kacha lo — that this is precisely what was meant to happen. By reminding ourselves that Hashem always works everything out precisely the way it is supposed to unfold, we can avoid anger and remain calm and serene even when we find ourselves delayed.

A story told in my family exemplifies this message. We have a tradition in the family that when my mother’s grandfather was on his way to the boat to sail to the United States, he stepped on a nail, which caused him to miss his boat. As it happened, that boat sank. Ashrei ha’am she’kacha lo — we must remember that everything is precisely the way it is supposed to be, and therefore we have no reason to become frustrated or angry when things do not go the way we want them to.

We recite each day, in the Korbanos portion of the davening, the Torah’s command of the korban tamid, the daily offering that was brought every morning and afternoon in the Beis HaMikdash. The Torah commands (Shemos 29:39), “You shall make the first sheep [as an offering] in the morning, and make the second sheep [as an offering] in the afternoon.” The Chozeh of Lublin commented that the letters of the word keves (sheep) can also be read to mean “restrain,” as in the Mishnah’s famous adage (Pirkei Avos 4:1), Eizehu gibbor “hakovesh” es yitzro — “Who is mighty? He who restrains his inclination.” This pasuk, the Chozeh explained, alludes to the fact that besides actually bringing offerings in the Beis HaMikdash, we also have another way of bringing an offering to Hashem — by exercising self-control both in the morning and in the afternoon. People are most prone to anger in the home. The home is often tumultuous and chaotic, and many situations arise in family life that can cause tension and frustration. Furthermore, as Rabbi Ades noted, people are generally subdued around their peers outside the home, and too self-conscious to express anger and frustration at the office or at social events. And so very often, when people arrive home, where they are uninhibited, they release all their pent-up anger. The Chozeh thus teaches that we must bring an offering of self-restraint twice each day: when we return home from the synagogue in the morning, and when we return home from work in the afternoon. These are the times that are especially conducive to anger, and we must therefore work to control our emotions and ensure that we react calmly to whatever difficult situation presents itself in the home. The way we achieve this self-restraint is through the mindset of kacha lo, the realization that everything is always precisely the way it is supposed to be.

Rav Ades noted the practice observed by many people when they visit the sacred city of Tzefas to immerse in the Arizal’s mikveh. Although the water is very cold, and immersing in it is exceedingly difficult and uncomfortable, people observe this practice because the Arizal said that whoever immerses in his mikveh will earn the privilege of performing teshuvah before his passing. However, Rav Ades lamented, people fail to realize that they have the ability to immerse in the Arizal’s mikveh each and every day. We can turn our homes into a mikveh by remaining calm and not reacting when things aren’t happening in the home the way we want. Exercising restraint in the home has the same effect of spiritual cleansing as immersing in the Arizal’s mikveh, and brings a person just as much atonement, merit, and blessing.

Rav Ades further related that he once had a friend who considered going into self-imposed exile, as some Rabbis would occasionally do many years ago.

Rav Ades asked the man, “Are you able to stay at home without becoming angry and upset?”

The man confessed that he could not.

“Then you are not interested in going into exile. You are interested in having a good time away from the challenges of daily life.”

The way to earn atonement is not by leaving the home, but by remaining at home and developing the skill of remaining calm and serene in all situations.

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Reprinted from Embrace Shabbos by Rabbi David Sutton with permission from ArtScroll Mesorah.