The Mishnah (Shabbos 34a) teaches that one must give his family three reminders just before the onset of Shabbos: Issartem, eiravtem, hadliku es ha’ner. This means that they should tithe all produce before Shabbos (as produce grown in Eretz Yisrael is forbidden before the tithes are taken, and tithing is prohibited on Shabbos), prepare an eruv to allow carrying outside, and light the Shabbos candles. Commenting on this Mishnah, the Gemara cites Rabbah bar Rav Huna as saying that one must give these instructions b’nichusa, calmly and softly, so that he will be obeyed.

The Gemara here is teaching us a simple but fundamental psychological truism: People are far more likely to respond favorably to words and instructions communicated calmly and softly than they are to words spoken harshly and angrily. This message is especially relevant late Friday afternoon, when there is a lot to get done and people are likely to be tense and uptight. Particularly then, one must make a special effort to speak b’nichusa, and the reminders of the last-minute things that need to get done before Shabbos must be made in a calm, peaceful tone, rather than by shouting frantically from one floor of the house to the other.

When Bnei Yisrael encamped at Mount Sinai and G-d asked Moshe to convey to the people His instructions in preparation for Matan Torah, He said, “So shall you say to the House of Yaakov, and speak to the Children of Israel.” Rashi, citing Chazal, explains that G-d here refers to two groups. The term “House of Yaakov” refers to the women, and G-d commands Moshe to convey His instructions to the women softly. But when speaking to the “Children of Israel” — the men — Moshe is commanded to speak in a somewhat more firm tone. Speaking softly is always important, but especially so when talking to women. And thus the Gemara teaches that on Erev Shabbos, when the husband reminds his wife about the last minute preparations, he must be especially careful to speak softly and pleasantly.

The importance of speaking softly is discussed at length by the Ramban in his famous Iggeres HaRamban, a letter written to his son conveying his instructions for life. He writes:

Always have the practice of speaking all your words softly — to all people, and at all times — and this way you will be saved from anger, which is a negative attribute that causes people to sin… And when you are saved from anger, you will instill in your heart the attribute of humility, which is the greatest of all positive attributes… And when you conduct yourself with the attribute of humility…the spirit of the Shechinah will rest upon you…

The Ramban emphasizes that we must “always” speak “all” our words softly, to “all” people and at “all” times — repeatedly stressing that there must be no exceptions. He explains that speaking softly helps us avoid anger, the most dangerous of all character traits, and avoiding anger helps us develop humility, the greatest of all character traits, which makes us worthy of the presence of the Shechinah.

It emerges, then, that speaking softly is what enables us to experience the Shechinah, as it leads us to avoid anger, which in turn leads us to humility, through which we merit the Shechinah’s presence.

The Tiferes Shlomo noted that this concept is alluded to in Sefer Bamidbar, in the incident of the seventy elders appointed by Moshe to help him lead the nation. The pasuk says (Bamidbar 11:26), “The spirit [of Hashem] rested upon them” (referring to Eldad and Meidad). The word tenach, “rested,” has the same letters as nachas, and thus alludes to speaking softly and calmly. It is this quality, the Tiferes Shlomo teaches, that allows the spirit of Hashem to descend upon us.

Shlomo HaMelech teaches us (Mishlei 25:15), “A soft tongue breaks a bone.” Meaning, speaking softly and gently can “break” even the sternest and harshest person, and cause him to become more flexible and agreeable. Rav Eliezer Papo cites this verse on several occasions in his Pele Yoetz, and emphasizes that this is especially true in our times (he was writing some 180 years ago), when even young children are not that receptive to tough, stern instructions. If we want to be effective in reaching people and having our guidance accepted, we need to use a soft, gentle demeanor. The Pele Yoetz calls this message an elixir of life. Softly spoken words can lead even the toughest people to bend and yield, whereas harshly spoken words generally make them tougher. And thus at all times and to all people, as the Ramban taught us, we need to speak calmly, pleasantly, and in a gentle tone.

Rav Chaim Palagi wrote that there was a “precious jewel” that was often in his mouth — meaning, a precious piece of wisdom which he would frequently share, and that was to always speak calmly and softly. This is, indeed, a “precious jewel” because it spares us from the worst of all maladies — anger — and leads us to the greatest of all blessings — the presence of the Shechinah.

This is especially relevant as we prepare for Shabbos, the time when we receive an extra soul and are to experience special closeness with Hashem. In order to be worthy of this experience, we must ensure to avoid anger and speak to everyone gently and with humility. We must remember the Ramban’s timeless exhortation to speak calmly to everyone, and at all times, and this way we will succeed in maintaining a peaceful, joyous atmosphere in our homes, so that they will be worthy of the presence of the Shechinah throughout Shabbos and throughout the week.

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Reprinted from Embrace Shabbos by Rabbi David Sutton with permission from ArtScroll Mesorah.